Monday, August 8, 2016

Writing it Down

Writing it Down
Writing is hard right now, especially in the mornings when I remember stuff all over again. But I am trying to keep up with good habits. I figure you're always reinforcing some sort of habit, no matter what you're doing...or avoiding doing. It's all building a routine.

So I might as well reinforce something healthy, like brushing my teeth and showering, shopping for food and cooking our own meals, or taking walks with the family, instead of drinking too many beers, wasting time on the internet, watching too much television, or playing hours of Fifa on the PlayStation.

After losing Pepper, we're trying to identify the things that matter and the things that don't. Going back to work after a little time off last week has me thinking about my career. I suppose that being a financial independence and early retirement blogger already puts me on a weird sort of career path, and you can probably take a guess at how I feel about my job.

Way back when, I trained to be an English teacher. I loved literature, I loved school, so why not teach for a living? I worked full time in my university's procurement office, earning my BA at night and, after graduating, did the same for my teaching credential.

I taught for just part of one year before realizing this profession was not at all for me. In those moments I was actually teaching, I enjoyed it. But all the other stuff, dealing with the administration who didn't give much support, and the parents who rarely cared, and, frankly, managing a classroom of thirty five kids who were more interested in hanging out than learning, was all too much for me. I was stressed out all the time, losing weight, feeling disrespected, and I was very happy to quit when I had the chance.

So what if I didn't turn the thing I loved into a job? At least that's what I tell myself when I feel some guilt.

After leaving teaching and going back into Procurement, my mindset on career, and the fulfillment it's supposed to bring me, has changed. Now, I view my career as a tool that helps me create money, and the money helps me achieve certain goals. It's a great tool, way better than any other I know for that specific task, but it's still just a tool. It's not the driving force for my life, and it's certainly not who I am.

These days, I trade my skills and my time for money. I then use the money to buy myself choices, security, and, eventually, more time. The relationships with coworkers, the added skills I acquire, the sense of self-worth...these, at least in my experience, are temporary and ancillary.

Temporary, since I plan to leave this particular career behind in four years. It's not like I hate my job. I'm good at it and it comes easy to me. But no matter how much I like any particular task, I'm not keen on spending half my waking hours doing that one thing for half my entire life. That's too big a slice of the pie. I want activity diversity, and soon.

The benefits of work are ancillary since, and I try to say this without shame or regret, the thing I am truly working for is cash money.

I'm not waking up early and putting in all this effort to proudly state my title when some stranger at a dinner party asks me what I do for a living. I am not trying to impress the neighbors or one-up my friends. I don't look to my work to define me as a member of society, or, as sad as this might sound to some, provide a sense of purpose to my life. Nor am I clocking all these hours for the bonding moments at the water cooler. For better or worse, I'm not building lifelong friendships with my coworkers. 

When it comes to career, I'm selling out, folks, and I am trying to embrace it. My name is Brian, and I am here for the money.

What I do with the big pile of money is the tricky part. Simply having a little wealth won't magically create meaning. In the same vein, understanding that I won't find purpose if I keep digging into my career, doesn't mean I suddenly know where to find it, either.

The thing I keep coming back to is this blog. That I think I want to, and maybe am supposed to, spend my time writing. Not earning a living as a writer, per se,...just doing the writing, even if I don't want to turn it into something that pays.

When I put in the time and create something out of my words, I feel good. I feel what I imagine others do when they cook, or work on a house, or birth or raise a kid. It's the creation of a thing, and doing it with care, and it feels good when it's done well.

I've spent too much time thinking of the "how" of early retirement, and not enough on the "why" or the "what". But I think I'm starting to figure those last two out a little and, even when I'm sad, it brings a little smile to my face.


*Photo is from ianmyles at Flickr Creative Commons.

21 comments:

  1. I think this is the first time you've said your name??? :) I think when we experience something profound like the loss of a loved one or pet, illness, etc., we automatically start to evaluate our purpose in life and what we want out of it. :)

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    1. I've snuck my name in there a few times, and Joe at Stacking Benjamins was really the impetus for that. I just couldn't call myself "Mr. Done by Forty" on his show without laughing at how pretentious it sounded, and just decided to go with my first name.

      And you're right, I'm definitely spending more time this past week thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

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  2. "Now, I view my career as a tool that helps me create money, and the money helps me achieve certain goals. It's a great tool, way better than any other I know for that specific task, but it's still just a tool. It's not the driving force for my life, and it's certainly not who I am."

    Well said. And as a fellow "sell out", I feel the same way. Your career doesn't define you as a person. I see it as a way to make money so we can have the choice to live our lives the way we want, rather than having it be dictated to us. If I had followed my passion and gotten an English degree, knowing what I know now about the publishing industry, I definitely would NOT be where I am now. I'd probably be very stressed and NOT doing a job related to my passion anyway.

    It's great that you are reflecting on what's important to you. Sometimes it takes a major life event to realize this and Pepper's passing had that profound effect. I'm cheering you on on your journey and hope you accomplish everything you set out to do.

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    1. I somehow avoided the chronic low pay that comes with an English degree, but it took a while, some work, and a lot of luck. I think I'm going to pull some reverse psychology on my kids, tell them for years that they have to go into the Humanities, and feign disappointment when they rebel their way into STEM.

      On a side note: the boring insult hurled by hipsters and ignorant teenagers, that so and so "sold out", really needs to be reclaimed. I feel like everyone I know who's doing something they love is doing it at night or on the weekends, and it's the day job that's paying the bills.

      And thanks for the kind words and the cheering on.

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    2. "I think I'm going to pull some reverse psychology on my kids, tell them for years that they have to go into the Humanities, and feign disappointment when they rebel their way into STEM."

      Brilliant. I'm stealing this idea.

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    3. Please do. Social experiments with your progeny are okay, right?

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  3. So much to say... can I somehow keep from writing a novel here? We'll see...

    First of all, remember to keep breathing. Losing a pet is HARD, and grieving Pepper's loss will take time. Big Hugs...

    Secondly, as a person who took the "alternate path" and "followed her dream" I am here to tell you that no matter how much you love your job, or feel like it's part of your dream, or giving you purpose - when it comes right down to it, a job is still a job. Ultimately, no matter how much it fits your picture of what you want to do, you're still trading your time for money - and that fact in and of itself will put a stain on even the most fulfilling of careers.

    So I've been decluttering (thanks, carpet beetles). And the other day I came across a bunch of posters from gigs I did in college, back when I had dreams of supporting myself as a singer songwriter. Thing is... once I got a job in the "folk music industry" (heavy emphasis on the quotes), and saw for myself what the actual life of a singer songwriter is like... well... let's just say I decided that perhaps I'd settle for a career in arts administration!

    The realities of being a performer are... well... lots of self-promotion, lots of giving lessons (and/or waiting tables) to try to keep the bills paid, and lots, and lots, and LOTS of driving! And then, if you have the great fortune to be successful, you will be treated to the glorious fun of having to play the same few dozen songs over, and over, and OVER again until you want to puke at the mere thought of them! After witnessing the whole thing in action for a few years, I came to the conclusion that most of the people who "make it" do so because they NEED it. They need to be on stage, with people applauding and cheering and giving them that sort of larger than life validation. On some level, I really came to see the whole thing as a rather pitiful cry for help.

    The point is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a job that is just a means of making a living - in fact, I think that's a healthy thing. Far too many people try to define themselves by their careers, and then end up confused about why they feel so empty inside. So chin up, my friend. You've got your eyes wide open, and that in and of itself puts you ahead of the vast majority of us.

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    1. I like your novels, Cat. Please keep writing them.

      It's encouraging to know that the grass isn't really greener. I can definitely see how, even if you're successful in the arts, that there still isn't really any escaping the things that make a job difficult: the repetition, the hours, and the constant siren call to make more and more.

      I really appreciate your kinds words. I don't know if my eyes are really open, but I'm at least trying to squint a bit.

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  4. So happy that you are using this sad event to reevaluate and consider your dreams, Brian!!!! You will really honor Pepper in this way. Behind you 100%.

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    1. Thanks so much for that comment, Laurie. I hadn't thought about it, but I really am trying to honor her with the actions we're taking now.

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  5. I'm so sorry about your dog! Losing a beloved family pet is the worst =(

    About the rest, you could easily make a living writing if you wanted. That may not be your goal, but it might help some of the other unknowns in your life fall into place.

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    1. Thanks, Holly. I am thinking over whether I want to pursue paid writing as an option. I have some fears that it may follow the same lines as my teaching career did, and perhaps change the way I write here on the blog, or the way I feel about writing. Letting fear drive decisions is never good though, and it's likely, if I'm being honest, just a feel of failure.

      I'm considering your class and perhaps Michelle's on affiliate links, too.

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  6. I like how you said that your career is simply a tool that helps you earn money. That money helps you meet end goals such as early retirement. I think if we all viewed work like this it would be a little more bearable especially since we're proclaiming it to be for a short period of time.

    I'm not sure how much longer I can ride out my 9 to 5 either, and I definitely see it as a tool, but I wouldn't mind trading it in for another one at this moment;)

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    1. That's a great line and I wish I'd thought of it. I've been swinging this one tool for a while...maybe it's time to take another one out of the box.

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  7. I had the same decision to make between pursuing an artistic career or something less interesting for money. I ended up with something less interesting (drafting) and I'm counting the days until I can retire and do art for fun. I wish my dogs could be there when I finally retire and I have time to spend with them but I know that won't be the case for all of them. I hate even thinking about it.

    I'm trying to give my nephew good advice about pursuing his dreams vs. making money. I don't want to squash his dream of becoming a video game designer even though I don't think it is likely. I've told him my story and his parents' stories of switching career paths as life happens. He will find his own way as painful as it may be to watch.

    You are on the right track with keeping up a routine. When my sister died (my nephew's mom) I couldn't believe that life just went on without her. But it did. And it's been 14 years. Since then, more relatives and pets have passed away and life keeps going on somehow. Every time is makes me stop and reassess my priorities. Sometimes I would really like to just sell it all and retire now but then I run the numbers and get scared of living in a tent in the desert. :)

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    1. Drafting sounds fun and fairly artsy, but I suppose it's always different on the other side of the fence.

      For your nephew, has he heard of TeamTreehouse.com? My buddy and I are considering it just for fun, since it's so affordable: it's like $50 a month and you can learn all the neat coding you want, and several of the courses are for game design, if I recall.

      Thanks for the reminder that life does go on. We're feeling better and trying our best not to fall into a depression or rut. Routine definitely helps.

      I know the path towards retirement is a slog. If you ever want to vent, let me know!

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    2. Lol, I want to vent all the time! I try not to do it too much on my blog since my mother reads it and will call me, very concerned. Right now, getting my nephew through high school and into college has taken priority over my retirement plan which is soooo, shall we say, challenging for my patience. Only 9 months and one week until he graduates from high school! After that, the plan is to send him to his grandfather's house to get a summer job before college. Then I will sweep up the shreds of my budget and get back on track. I keep telling myself it's not that far away. I can do this! It really is a slog, especially when life gets in the way of a perfect plan.

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    3. Just knowing when the current situation ends is motivating, at least for me. Light at the end of the tunnel...

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  8. This is a first time for reading your blog. A lot real experiences for me, a young girl. I don't have much for sharing it with you. Just wanna say thank for your writing. Hoping in someday, you can wake up and get what you want

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  9. I notice you posting on your blog a lot more often recently so that's great. This post makes me think of one on Mr.1500's blog where he said that he wanted to major in journalism but took a different path. Now through his blog, he has gotten some projects and earned some money with his writing which is what he enjoys...

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    1. Yeah, Mr. 1500's post rang true to me, too. I never thought I'd be writing about personal finance when I was majoring in English. I played around with sports journalism and covering music for a quick minute. I, like every other person with an English degree, have kicked around the idea of writing a novel. But, go figure, the thing I like writing about is personal finance, and the things that we stumble over with money thanks to our monkey brains, as Jason Hull puts it.

      I suppose there are worse things to write about.

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